I am no stranger to online dating but after switching from the meat market ofmatch.com to eharmony, I was super excited. I felt like maybe this website would help me find someone more suitable. (Still hoping btw). First guy I “communicate” with seems awesome, and for reasons which you will find out later we will call him Whiskey and Bacon. For our first date, Whiskey and Bacon and I met up at a local restaurant. I was about 8 weeks from a show I was doing in Paris so at this point in my prep, I was allowed to eat meat and vegetables so of course I was excited to be able to eat out at a restaurant! We had a fantastic first date! I ordered iced tea, he ordered whiskey, and we talked about everything. It was that feeling you get when you’re like OMG I really like this guy!!! I hope he like asks me out again….is he going to kiss me? EEEKKK!! Well whiskey And Bacon did ask me out for the following week and he kissed me goodnight (on the lips!).

One thing about my schedule, is doing something during the week is tough when you have to wake up at 430 to train clients at 5 or 530 am. So when I get asked to do stuff on a Wednesday I usually immediately think what is this guy thinking? I count how many hours of sleep I would get depending on what time I could get home and how is that going to make me feel for the following day. But Whiskey and Bacon asked me to go bowling on the following Wednesday and I accepted.

Bowling can be awkward, you have to wear smelly shoes that don’t match your carefully planned outfit and every time you go up to bowl, you can feel your ass being stared at so it automatically makes you nervous and then….. BAM gutter ball. Fuuuck. Well I had a blast that evening, whether Whiskey and Bacon did remains to be seen as you probably already have guessed this “relationship” is doomed since its in this book. We talked in between turns, and he drank a beer and I drank iced tea and we made out a little in the parking lot. He made me laugh almost the whole time, joking about our bowling game, or lack there of.
When I am prepping for a show, I am insanely focused. Cardio, weights, food, sleep, selfies, etc…it’s like clock work for me. So dating and prepping can be hard. One thing I am always up front with is my eating habits and lack of drinking alcohol habits. So I assume when you double check on the restaurants we go to and you take me mini golfing or to see a movie you are down with what I do. Ladies, never assume. Whiskey and Bacon and I saw each other for close to two months. Hang out at his house watching movies, or he would take me out to a nice restaurant that he would let me choose. He would always compliment me on how great he thought I looked and how he thought my dedication was inspiring. I don’t need to date a bodybuilder,, I just need to be with someone who understands that my bodybuilding hobby requires a lot of time and dedication. He had a hobby of running long ruck marches which also required long training sessions in the morning and the weekends. I am nothing if not understanding that you can’t stay out late because you have training early in the am.

Sooooo….after 2 months, a girl’s gotta know. What is going on here? So, since I am not into playing games/wasting time I ask Whiskey and Bacon one evening after we get out of a movie. I don’t think it’s too much pressure to ask a guy if you are at least dating or if you think that there is something more? Here comes the blind side….

Me: So, I have really had so much fun these past months and just wanted to know if you think this could turn into something serious.
Whiskey Bitch: Well, haven’t really thought about it. Could I think about it and let you know?
Stupid: Uh…. Ok?
Dick Face: Ill call you tomorrow!
Seriously So Stupid: um ok? I kept thinking, What. The. Fuck.
Never called. But he texted two days later and asked to meet for coffee. I know, bad sign, but I am going to of course agree to go meet you and make you say it to my face.
Ok, back to his real name. Whiskey and Bacon and I met at a Starbucks and tries to make small talk, about his job; Blah Blah Blah…then Bitch slap.
Whiskey and Bacon: Well I thought about it and I realized that I want to be with someone that I can eat a pound of bacon with and drink whiskey and get drunk with. You are too regimented for my lifestyle. Not Again!: Ok, I understand. (of course me, Ms. Emotional starts to cry) (but wait, you had no problem feeling my tight ass) (wait a sec bitch, that ass is tight due to the lack of alcohol and pounds of bacon I don’t consume).

Ugh Whatever.

Whiskey Dick and Slab of Bacon walked me to my car and now….. ON TO THE NEXT ONE!